Sex Please, We're Not British (Any More)

The Hindustan Times has released a secret document prepared by Paddy Upton for the Indian cricket team and circulated by coach Gary Kirsten, calling on the Indian players to bonk until they drop as part of their best practice preparation for the Champions Trophy. It encourages players by claiming that performance before performance increases testosterone which has a positive effect on strength, energy, aggression and competitiveness.

Plastered across the front page of the Hindustan Times, one wonders if it was increasing the players circulation or their own that spurred on their basic urge in printing the article.

Upton's thesis even caters for ugly players, assuring them that an adherence to the Steven Stills lyrics "if you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with" is akin to taking performance enhancing tugs.

None of this comes as any surprise in Australia, where for decades panel vans have been parked on the boundary's edge of suburban grounds on the day of the grand final. One team mate had a standard booking at the local hotel on a Friday night, where a constant changing stream of amateur psychologists, fresh from the Miss World contest, assisted him in his match preparation. Our theory, expressed downstairs in the bar, was that beer was a reasonable substitute and probably cheaper than the hired help. He played for NSW but probably ended up with thick glasses and a bad back.

As dedicated players, we spent much of six Saturday hours in the sun thinking, talking and swearing about sex, in order, no doubt, to enhance out cricketing performance. How wise we were and all the more surprising none of us wore the Baggy Green.

Then again, Shane Warne has been showing us the way for years in regard to text before sex before Test . Whilst all other bowlers can recall their match winning "pfeiffer's", each of Warnie's five wicket halls has a different girls name.

Its a nice concept but smacks a bit of having your cake and eating it too and leaves big question marks over the definition of performance. How any Indian cricketer expects to hold the Champions Trophy above his head with dead legs and a silly grin is beyond me and should they become proficient in this training schedule, the cigarette afterwards will almost certainly and eventually kill them.

If only John Dyson had known!

http://www.smh.com.au/news/sport/cricket/2009/09/24/1253385065038.html